life is too slow

When the pick and roll goes wrong.

2005-06-01T00:45:00.000-07:00

I'll be simplistic this time.

Who: Me and two of my friends, who brought me along to their school's weekly pick-up game.
What: An injury at a weekly 5 on 5 pick-up game. All alumni of a dumbshit catholic school. It's clear that protestant guests like myself aren't brought in very often.
When: Monday afternoon. The game is usually Sunday, but this week is an exception due to the holiday.
Where: A small gym at a local catholic high school.
How: Because of morons that played ball at catholic schools who never fathom the thought of properly defending a pick and roll.

I'm at the top, buddy sets a pick, defender tries to play hero and dives around the pick, crashing into my right leg and fucking up my knee.

I type this laying on a couch with ice on my leg. Swelling still hasn't gone down, and an appointment with a specialist on Thursday awaits.

No pain pills, just ibuprofen. I want to kill someone. This sucks.

Oh, and I would like to fuck Danica Patrick.

What a bitch

2005-04-12T15:54:00.000-07:00

The "Week of Matt" is over.

Yes, starting with my birthday last Sunday night; I partied my ass off all week and put off anything that I was supposed to do.

Why? It was my birthday. . .and I just finished one of the worst months in my life.

In the month of March: My uncle died. The battery in my jeep literally exploded on me. I overslept on the morning of a mid-term. I sliced my knee open during a pick-up basketball game. I was involved in a huge brawl after my friend got jumped at a shitty frat party. The jeep's water pump went out. The jeep got keyed. I got food poisoning from a shitty mexican restaurant. I got a sinus infection. Then, the air conditioning stopped working on the jeep.

Fuck the air conditioning, but the rest of that shit happening in a three week span is just insane.

So, after a week of celebrating the blindly faithful thought that a birthday in a new month will somehow end my slump, I just saw a sportscenter segment on John Saunders. Yes, the guy who snapped his left arm in half TWICE is slowly wearing that bone down again in order to make a comeback.

I'll be keeping an eye on this guy. If I can somehow witness this guy's arm break for the third time, on live TV (or better yet IN PERSON)... I will die a happy man. It's a disaster waiting to happen; like watching a smoking plane roll towards the ground, a drunk with expanding cheeks covering his mouth or Edgar Renteria sending that dribbler up to the Keith Foulke on the mound. I have no clue what possesses this man to give it another go, but I am forever grateful. That pop sound is so fun to hear.

Steroids: not just bad in sports.

2005-02-17T12:22:00.000-08:00

Everyone seems to be talking about steroids these days. (Thank you Jose Canseco) All of these baseball players have been juicing for a while, so that should be no surprise.

However, it’s not just baseball. I’m sure guys in other sports have done exactly the same. The consequences seem almost meaningless compared to what the contents of that needle give you the potential to do.

In fact, it stretches beyond sports I think. After seeing one of those dumb commercials the other night starring the always annoying Carrot Top, I made an interesting observation.

This guy has to be juicing. I remember him several years ago when he was just a little scrawny annoying guy. Now, he’s a big annoying guy. Combine that with his waxed eyebrows, he actually looks a little frightening. It’s clear that this guy didn’t get popular because of his looks (actually, I have no clue how he became popular), but it looks like he is trying to look like a mob boss on a Street Fighter game or something.

Maybe it is to protect his self from the beer bottles that get thrown at him when he gets booed off stage.

It’s not just Carrot Top; there are other examples of guys juicing up like this too.

Just last week, I unfortunately ran across an episode of Saved By The Bell: The College Years. It’s really sad. Saved By The Bell was such a popular show with such a great formula, but it was simply dragged out too long. Many attribute the poor quality of The College Years to bad acting, but I don’t think that is it. It sucked just as much as the original series. No, it wasn’t bad storylines either. It was a character flaw.

Zack Morris had become so huge, that he made Slater look small. It was almost as if Bob Golic, the R.A., had given Zack a cycle or two of andro along with his room key.

With Zack’s physical state, Slater was nothing more than some washed up jock who was trying to make the best of whatever intelligence he had. This threw off the whole teeny bop formula that made the show work. The characters didn’t act the same and they didn’t relate to each other in the same way as they did with the original series.

I think there is a lesson to be learned there. Along with shrunken balls, severe “back-ne”(that is acne on your back, geniuses) and domes the size of a basketball, steroids can make you look like a wrestling clown and ruin successful TV series. Stay away kids, stay far away.

"LOOK! Your meal might have a NEW number!"

2004-12-09T11:40:00.001-08:00

When I saw that sign at my neighborhood McD's, I knew it was bad. I would've backed out of the drive-thru had a car not pulled up behind me. I was scared. Shit, I was terrified. When they change the numbers on the value meals, only bad things happen. They screw up the orders, forget special requests, etc. Somehow this carries over into other things as well. The fries aren't cooked right, the Dr Pepper wasn't mixed right, it's either too syrupy or too... un-syrupy.(I have no idea what word would possibly explain that taste. Not even unsyrupy describes it well.)

So I pull up to the menu finally... and I wait. I wait there for a good 3 minutes. Then I hear some crackling and... "Are you ready to order now?" Of course I'm ready to order bitch. I've been waiting for 3 minutes. I have a whole theory on this, but I'll go through that later. So I order a #7 with a DP. This used to be a #8, which used to be a #9. The ten piece mcnugget meal. I usually get the double quarter pounder meal, though. Which is now #3, but used to be #4 though. I hate when they change the numbers. It clearly throws them off, it throws me off, what the fuck is the point. I'd like to find the marketing guru who decided that changing the order of the value meals would help some random item sell better. I want to give him a swift kick in the balls. Which is totally a low blow, but in his case it would be warranted.

Fast forward 5 minutes or so,
I pull up to the second window. The girl is holding a drink out of the window as I pull up. "You had a Hi-C, right?" I knew it was going to all be fucked up now. "No... I had a dr pepper." "Oh." she answered, clearly confused. She gives me the Dr. Pepper, and I'm left thinking how I'm going to explain that I actually ordered a ten piece nugget meal, not a Big Mac with extra lettuce and spit on it. However, the tides turn. She ducks out of the window with a bag. "You ordered a ten piece right?" Yes. The bag had a 10 piece box and fries. All was well in the world. Right?

As I pulled the food out at home, I realized that all was not right with the world. It was all very very wrong. I pulled out my fries and began to munch. Ugh. Not their best, but oh well. The nuggets are usually good. I grabbed the box and began to open... then I let out a string of vulgarities. I had not received a ten piece nugget meal. I had received a mcrib... IN A 10 PIECE NUGGET BOX. Which would usually be fine, but I wanted processed chicken, damn it.

Since most mcd's are now running the 2 menu-ordering thingies, I'm guessing the order-taker fucked up and thought I was the 2nd one. Even though I was the nearest one. When they came on and asked if I was ready to order: maybe the person at the 2nd menu asked for more time, and they mistakingly came to mine, thus completely knocking off the order of the orders they took. Hey, shit happens. I blame this on them changing the god damn numbers though.

McD's is sliding farther down below Wendy's than I first thought. First it was them offering the McGriddles at locations 15 miles north of the town I grew up in. Why? My town wasn't in the same "region", thus having a different menu, basically. So while everyone raved about the pancake covered sausage egg and cheese, I was forced to suffer. Through all those commercials, all those ads. We had just gotten the bagel sandwiches then, which blew donkey balls. The steak egg and cheese was the only good one, and that's because they used a steak patty instead of sausage. It was different. It still wasn't good enough to knock off my bacon egg cheese biscuit, or now the sausage mcgriddle. That thing is awesome, and I'm glad I moved to somewhere that offered it.

If you see me this weekend ordering food, I'll probably be ordering it off the Wendy's 99 cent menu.

Overlooked Coach is Fired.

2004-12-02T20:19:00.000-08:00

Yes, Ty Willingham was fired from Notre Dame. That's not who I'm talking about.
Well, then who are you talking about, Matt?

David Cutcliffe. Former assistant under Phillip Fulmer at Tennesse, Cutcliffe undertook a program that had fallen to a subpar level. They weren't contending. That changed. In Cutcliffe's 6 year tenure, he led the Rebels to a 44-29 record. He was the only coach in school history to lead his team to 7 wins in each of his first 5 seasons. This included a share of the SEC West title last year with a 10-3 record and a Cotton Bowl victory as the cherry on top. They shared that SEC West title with non other than the LSU Tigers, who were co-National Champions.

However, after losing Eli Manning to graduation and the NFL Draft, Cutcliffe's squad were just 4-7 this year. The Rebels were 3-5 in conference play, and lost four games by a total of only 19 points.

Is this what we've come to? One bad year and you're out?? Now granted, if this had happened at "The" Ohio State University or Texas or Okalhoma or Miami, I could see the reasoning. Cutcliffe's years at Ole Miss were good, but they weren't great. Ole Miss is not one of those storied programs, though. With David Cutcliffe at the helm, Ole Miss competed in the SEC West every other year or so. Chancellor Robert Khayat says that the program needs to compete every year.

Is he insane? We're talking about Ole Miss right? The Ole Miss, whose only successes can be credited to the Manning family? I just want to make sure we're on the same page. Ole Miss is not an every year contender, and never will be. Mississippi is not a recruiting hot bed where you can just walk out into your backyard and talk to blue chips. A program like this should thrive on consistency. That should be their selling point. You've got a decent program in the SEC, one of the top football conferences, your team is competitive, and competes for the title once every 3 years or so. You have the same coach, who runs as clean a program that can be run in today's game, and he treats his players with respect. Firing this coach is detremental to the program and it's future. Ole Miss is not going to pull in an Urban Meyer. They aren't going to pull in a Ty Willingham or even a Ron Zook. They will spiral down into extreme mediocrity, taking chances on assistants in big programs every 3-6 years. I thought Kentucky and Vandy were fulfilling the roles of the "Indiana's" of the SEC nicely. They've got company.

I know one man who is giggling wildly as he heads out on recruiting trips. . . Sylvester Croom. You think he'll miss out on any quality in-state recruits, this year?

Barry Bonds. What a joke.

2004-08-30T23:32:00.000-07:00

Why don't any writers today have the balls to go after this guy?

I'm not talking about the steroids issue. I'm talking about how he "took the day off " today against the braves. IT'S AUGUST 30TH. The Giants are in the middle of a pennant race. A big matchup against the braves. He's obviously on top of his game, he hit two of the longest home runs ever at Turner Field yesterday. If this guy is truly the modern day Babe Ruth, then why is he doing this?

I've read about guys like Joe Dimaggio for years. I don't recall him EVER taking a day off in August or September, while in the middle of a stretch run, for NO REASON. You know, yesterday Tony LaRussa asked Albert Pujols if he wanted the day off yesterday for the Cards afternoon game against Pittsburgh. The Cardinals are 14 1/2 games up on the Cubs, playing against lowly Pittsburgh, and the Cardinals also have a much more potent lineup w/o Albert than the Giants do w/o Bonds. You know what Albert Pujols did? HE PLAYED. He also hit a homerun and lead the Cardinals to a 4-0 victory in what is a pretty much meaningless game.

Barry Bonds took the day off, came in and pinch hit in the 9th, then saw his Giants lose today to Atlanta 7-6. This isn't uncommon either. Just about every day game after a night game, he does this. Nice Barry. You'll win plenty of World Series rings doing that.

Can you imagine Babe Ruth taking off a day in the middle of a pennant race for no reason? Shit, do you think Derek Jeter would ever take a day off like that? He's got 6 fucking rings to show for it. If I were a Giants fan, I'd be royally pissed. All the money they pay that guy, and he can't pick up a glove and a freaking bat and play in the afternoon during a pennant race? Where's the compassion for the game? Is it even there?

How about all the fans that go to a game to see Bonds play, and get a 9th inning pinch hitter instead? Wasn't it Michael Jordan that said he played as hard as he could in every game because he knew that there was always atleast 1 fan who was there that had never seen him play before? I think that's a fair comparison to make, since MJ is known as the greatest basketball player ever and Bonds is arguably one of the best to ever swing the stick. However, Bonds personality doesn't even compare to Jordan's, the non-existant marketing machine that Bonds has created proves that.

Remember that Yankees-Red Sox matchup earlier this year where Nomar took the day off? Granted, he was coming off the torn achilles, so he probably needed it. Moreso than Barry, atleast. Anyways, Jeter dives into the stands after a ball, tears his lip open, earns himself a black eye, a busted chin, and an out. Boston gave Nomar hell for that. They watch Jeter come in and play his ASS off in an early season matchup while their SS rode the pine. That definitely led to Boston greasing the tracks for Nomar's train to cubbie land, no doubt.

I have no reason to dislike Barry other than this and his lackadaisical attitude during games. Which makes me question the steroids issue as well. How can he be so determined and hardworking in the weightroom, when he is so lazy out on the field. It doesn't add up in my book. But then again, I'm just a dumbass college boy with no real perspective on the world as a whole.

This Alcoholic struggles to make sense of the whole 21 age thing, too.

2004-08-24T12:55:00.000-07:00

While I sat in a freshman speech class yesterday, a girl got up to give her speech. Don't ask me why I sat in on this class. That's irrelevant. It's a class I took 3 years ago and had no problems with at all. Anyways, reasoning for me being there aside, I was bored. Suddenly I was intrigued though. This girl that got up started with her speech. Not only was she hot, but she was also giving a speech on one of the various topics I had decided to ramble about when I took the class: The legal drinking age. I fail to understand it as well, and while I took a more realistic approach with mine, even busting out statistics I had found and disproved, etc.; this girl took more of a logical approach. At 18 you can buy guns, go to war, smoke cigarettes which have been proven to kill, etc. but you're fucked if you want a bud light. Hey, she's right folks.

She took questions at the end, and while I wasn't supposed to speak up, I did. Noone was going to ask anything anyways, so I just brought up another point. Does it surprise you that the country is backwards on this? Our country is backwards like this on just about every issue. We claim freedom of religion, yet we have gov't officials who push christian values on us. Wonder why so many have gambling problems in this country? The government has no stand on it. I can gamble on horses here in Arkansas, but fuck me if I want to play blackjack at a casino. That's for Nevada. Or riverboats. I can bet on horses in California, but fuck me if I want to go to a dogtrack. That's for Florida. Cockfighting is a no-no everywhere, but if I want to buy a lotto ticket, we have to go to a neighboring state. Because that's illegal in Arkansas. The greyhounds are bad in New York, but I can bet on horses there too. Gambling on sports is illegal too. Well, unless I'm in Vegas. So does the government want me to gamble or not? Eh. Who cares?!

Seriously. Can this country be consistant on anything? It would be nice. People raise hell about dirty political races, so we reform campaign financing so that now independent groups run ads that are slinging more mud than ever because they are so small, they probably won't even exist once the election is over. The same people that complain about censorship, raised hell over the whole super bowl/janet jackson fiasco. Everyone keeps saying that the starting 5 for the St. Louis Cardinals is horrible, yet the stats are there and as clear as a blue sky that they are one of the best rotations in baseball. Let's face it. This is a back and forth world. A ton of laws don't make sense. Why should we stop and change the drinking age, when most 18-21 year olds probably drink anyway.

Matt Morris and the ever-changing aroma of shit he emits

2004-07-31T20:14:00.000-07:00

Sure. I could give him credit for getting blasted by the Cubs a couple weeks ago at Wrigley, setting up one of the greatest comebacks probably of all time as the Cardinals came back from an 8-2 deficit to win 11-8. The bullpen was fantastic, but I'll get to that later.

Tonight Morris gave up 8 runs to a weak Giants lineup, outside of Bonds, in 2/3 of an inning. Haren, who's been fantastic this year in AAA Memphis, came in and struck out Snow to get out of the inning. He's cruising now. Currently pitching in the 4th as I type this. With Ankiel coming back at the end of the month supposedly, I say let him and Haren battle for Matty Mo's 5th spot. Because he has that slot in the rotation owned this year.

Haren's great outings aside, I wouldn't mind having Ankiel in there, throwing as he squints his eyes and releases the ball towards the backstop. . .or the opposing dugout. . .or the batter. When Schilling destroyed that Questec system last year, I was reminded of Ankiel and the fact that he probably would've taken that out inadvertedly with one of his wild bouts on the mound. Atleast he didn't give up HR's like he was handing out candy to trick-or-treaters in gumby and pokemon costumes. At least he didn't get absolutely crushed randomly early in outings.

Ankiel had upside. He wouldn't have me fearing that the Cardinals have run out of gas and are just rolling downhill, running on fumes, into the playoffs. Even God himself won't be able to watch the beating we may get there. Shit. Maybe I'll feel better about it tomorrow. . .you know, when I'm sober, and don't want to give Matt Morris a swift kick in the balls.